Why it's perfectly reasonable that I'm losing my mind over a TV character's exit.

I've never tried to hide my Ziva obsession. I love all things NCIS, even though I was a latecomer to the show. I made the discovery halfway through Season 8, and I watched all 8 seasons from March until mid-May when they had the Season 8 finale. It consumed approximately 30 hours of my time each week, putting it on as soon as I came home from work, and watching into the wee hours. My coworkers can tell you I was very zombie-like in the mornings.

That was in 2011, so really, not terribly long ago. When Season 8 was finished, it left me with a spinning head and 30 spare hours each week. My close friends know that I filled them with more NCIS, starting over from Season 3 and watching over and over again. Eventually I stopped going in strict chronological order, and watched whichever ones I felt like, when I felt like it. I continue that pattern today, though I eventually stopped spending quite so much time on it. Some of my favorite episodes, though, I can recite from start to finish. I probably shouldn't share that.

2009-2012 were some rough years. I was struggling in my social life, my love life, and my career life. I did a lot of work on various things to improve situations, and it was exhausting. My home became my sanctuary, and there was nothing I loved more than spending an evening by myself, sewing, NCIS on on my desk, and a warm weener dog or two on my lap. It had become an escape. I drooled over Mark Harmon, squealed when I'd see an outfit Abby and I had in common, and  grinned like a derp during every Tiva moment. I loved Tony and I loved Ziva, separately, but they just seemed to belong together. This became a pseudo reality, an escape. Was it the healthiest obsession? Probably not, but there are surely worse ones to have.

I admired Cote de Pablo's character. I found her ninja assassin skills fascinating, and her multiple languages amazing. I listened to countless interviews by Cote and the others, and I could never make the connection between Cote the person and Ziva the character. I couldn't wrap my head around the character I loved being someone else, someone who didn't shoot, didn't know how to fight, and didn't even speak Hebrew. One thing that there was no denying was the real, honest chemistry between Cote and Michael.

While I've always loved and supported Israel, this show pressed me to research more, learn more, absorb more. I'd found someone I wanted to be like, and that prompted me to finally get my proverbial shit together and organize my dream so that I could attempt to make it happen. I started studying Krav Maga. I started learning Hebrew. When my company of 7 years laid me off, I went back to school to get a Justice degree in Terrorism & Homeland Security. It all seems pretty extreme when I think about it, but it is what it is. When I announced my dream to my friends, one of the first responses I got was "You know Mark Harmon won't be your boss, right?"

I'm loathe to talk about this subject because I feel silly. I feel ridiculous. Today Twitter has been going crazy with people who are just as upset as I am, and just as nuts. Their reactions are outrageous, but so are mine. Everyone is signing petitions to pressure CBS into paying Cote a fair salary like her costars. Will they offer? I don't know. If they do, will she return? I don't know. It seems unlikely, considering production starts next week. I'm trying to accept what is happening, but I believe I will continue living in my little NCIS world where Tiva is still a possibility and they are a happy little family that I feel absorbed into.

I realize that I sound nuts here. It's okay. My dreams and plans have not changed, but I will always be grateful to an amazing actress who started out as a tiny fish in a massive ocean and really made a name for herself. She inspired me to realize my dreams, and for that I will always be grateful.